What is a nudge?

Nudges are a number of safe experiments, or do-able things, to move yourself along a scenic route to change, not necessarily in a straight line.

Nudges are not intended to be used to shove other people along. There are plenty of examples of just this, heavily disguised. there are many ways to foist ‘small’ changes on the public and the government spawned ‘behavioural science units devoted to this!

It is not what you can do to others, but what you can do for yourself (with apologies to John Kennedy,  and the Romans!).

INTRODUCTION to safe experimentation. Why bother with it!

All the material in this web site has been generated by a large number of people over decades; I am only one of them. None of this material would have been tested without the support of many clients, colleagues, supervisors, teachers, family and friends.

The practical nudges, or safe experiments, included here have worked for somebody, at some time.

You will chose your own way to use this material. Make it your own and find out what works for you – in the knowledge that no-one can tell you what will work until you have a go. You will need to cast around to find material most suited to you and your present circumstances.

You will need to find material most suited to you and your present circumstances. When you take a step, it will lead to an improved ability to build on success (a ‘small victory’) and to adapt when you get it wrong (a ‘small defeat’). There could be a mixed result so make what sense you can of that!

I may use technical words. I will try to minimise this problem and I am open to your comments via email. That way, I can learn and make changes. The great thing about a web site is that I can make alterations very quickly! It can be a conversation. My task is to find out what works for me, as much as what works for you.

Where the technical details flummox you, just ignore the words. Focus on the ‘do-able thing’ that should emerge from the other words I use.  DO things, rather than think too much about them. Please keep looking for your ‘do-able thing’ and still know that doing is not all and everything.

Now, all that said, some people asked me about my own models or approaches to therapy.  Its a fair question to ask as I do have a map inside my head and it has changed over the years. Take a look at the Acknowledgements page for further information, as well as other articles listed on the right side of this blog.

If this helps, fine: but this website is a road to designing and implementing your own safe experiments – in order to focus your understanding of your own world.

Keep in mind: what, for you, is the next, smallest ‘do-able’ thing you could work on?

The material you are about to generate can provide a tool for your own personal development.  However, some of it may have an emotional impact on you. Therefore, you may want to work on your personal development with a consultant. If you need some leads to follow up, then let me know.  There are many people who can act as a consultant. The important thing is to find some-one reliable and discreet outside your immediate circle of friends or family.


I would advise you to record the results emerging from your experiments. That way to collect data can help you build your own MY-NUAL. It can be argued that without any records and results, there is no experiment. That said, you can keep your records brief: use concrete, short sentences, even bullet-points, to help keep your focus. I have included some detailed headings on another page.

A diary or a journal is not needed.  Journals and diaries are detailed documents; they can help a lot but you may not be used to that sort of thing. The important thing is to make a start and have some record to supplement your memory. In my experience Post-Its will do just as well, as long as you can organise them so the information remains coherent as you may need to come back to some of your results.

Such data will need to be used, and re-used, to move things along. Keeping the material in your head sounds convenient, but it is not likely to work. My main concern is that a fleeting experience, often valuable to move things on, is too easily missed. We forget stuff or overlook it. A similar ‘lesson’ may come again, but the process of change can be slowed or fragmented.

EXPERIMENT: write down the following items on a piece of paper, in any order:

Experiment; outcome; records; commitment; just noticing, small details; building on victories; acceptance of defeats.

Come back to your list in 24 hours. How many items would you have recalled if you had not written them down?

If in doubt, try just remembering the items and see how many you can recall twenty-four hours later –  without consulting your list or this blog. Which one(s) do you leave out? Do you think the forgotten items might be ‘telling’ you something about the way you work?

You may ask why I used that particular itemised list. In my opinion, it contains the key ingredients you will need if you want to nudge your life in a different direction.

A more humourous version of this experiment is: stop for a moment and see how many of the seven dwarves you can recall from Snow White? A lot of folk cannot get to five and most of us struggle to name a seventh.

Let me now get to a word of caution. Progress may not be evident unless it creates some discomfort. That feeling can motivate us to do something else (“no gain without pain?”). Consider that feeling as a ‘small defeat‘ if necessary but – whatever you do ……

….  don’t blame yourself or me!

Instead,  decide what you might do differently.

That attitude will lead to your next experiment. You can still make useful change even though you are disappointed by the first results. It is easy to be deterred and feel put off.  A record of the successes and failures arising from your experiments provides a balanced record of results that can help you to move forward.

There are some unexpected challenges; for example,  getting things right can lead us to brush off our successes with false modesty! With any result, encourage yourself by saying “what more might I do… what might I do differently“. When you succeed, please enjoy it and consider how to build on that ‘small victory’.


This is not Page Three of my Blog! There are hundreds of models of therapy. Examples such as Gestalt, Body Psychotherapy. Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) come to my mind. There is even a movement to integrate different models but, even then, it often seems an excuse to invent another name – without having enough respect to acknowledge others who preceded them! For a commentary on groups of models have a look at:


Some models may be more helpful than others; I am thinking, here, of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) – less a model and more a way of going about things. ACT is consistent with the dominant ideal in this blog so I have written more about this approach. Similar things can be said about Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT).

If you do the research you may find ‘models’  offer a coherent and ordered way to understand what makes us ‘tick’. They offer guidance on how to behave differently if our ‘tick’ becomes erratic.  So ….. models are fine, but they do tend to use assumptions and assertions to explain human behaviour in general, but not specifically your behaviour.

Safe experiments will help you test these basics. The results will help identify what model might best apply to your current life and what seems not to apply. Tomorrow? You may need to change the working model!

Models find it difficult to respect the uniqueness of each of us. They offer general observations. Models, by their nature, cannot apply to all people, all of the time, across our globe.

With any model you will need to decide where you fit in. Do you fit the majority pattern or do you see yourself in the minority – an awkward fit, at best? Beware the tendency to fit yourself into what is available. Instead, use the ‘bits’ that work for you.

For many years, research has consistently demonstrated that models are less reliable indicators of success in therapy, when compared to the quality of the relationship created by therapist and client.

In short, models are not a ‘be all and end all’, but rather a means to learn how to be skillful in the art of safe experimentation. For some detailed information on how to continue with safe experiments, take a look at:

how to do safe experiments; or

getting it together: or

models informing therapy in this blog.

I have said that success with your safe experimenting may mean feeling rotten. That is unavoidable. Please make a point of noticing how you feel – whether good or bad. This is the key safe experiment of just noticing‘. Record your reaction, your feeling, as a ‘fact’ – nothing more. Later, you may find an experiment that helps to explain what that reaction might mean to you. – what your body is ‘saying’ to you.

The art of ‘just noticing‘  is seeing, hearing and becoming aware of something, however small, especially the small and fleeting experiences. Just noticing can turn your awareness to your advantage.  Furthermore, planning small steps may, only may, reduce the intensity of good or bad feelings and help us to avoid a ‘hard’ landing.

Safe experiments that promote small changes make it possible to step back and redirect our energies when we have moved in the wrong direction a little bit. Beware of learning to tight-rope your way over the Grand Canyon, only to find yourself at the wrong destination. Take pleasure in deciding what you are going to do differently, tomorrow, fully accepting that you will have to live with the consequences.

Practise through repetition of small victories will be necessary. Decisive and visible change rarely arrives first time around.  The brain needs to learn and absorb what it means to be different. Our brains operate at quite a speed, but learning is a complex process. Consider how long it took you to ride a bike?! Only practice can build confidence.

This notion of experimenting, here, is saying that effective therapy does not need to provide an immediate or ‘complete’ solution. Problem resolution can emerge from some change and the ability to experiment.   Russell L. Ackoff put it like this: “the way to make a big change is to start with a very small change or ‘input’ and just see what happens”

Now, is there anyone thinking: Oh, that’s interesting but what about these experiments? When will they really get going?

That’s an important question. Didn’t you notice that you have already started!  You are reading this web site and I am fairly confident you are thinking about it. The thing is –  there is no need for me, or my words – to give you permission to get started.

More importantly, some of us get started and don’t notice.

NOW THAT IS A PROBLEM  – something’s happening, but you did not realise it. You are missing an opportunities to move out of your Window of Tolerance and to explore new possiblities. What do I mean by this? Take a look at this illustration. It appears a few times on this web site:


Safe experiments cannot begin until we commit to moving out of the Window of Tolerance (WOT). When we do this, we move into the working area. You can do this accompanied by any one you trust and/or with a therapist.

Sometimes the experiments are simple and easy to do – the word ‘experiment’ can make it all sound too fancy!!

So, consider this. You are reading this part of my web site; to a degree you have chosen to read this bit, and not anothe bit. You could have done something else with your time, and you’ve been reading this instead. Therefore, you have done something a little bit different and that’s a basic feature of ‘safe experimenting’.

When you record your experimental results, you could notice how much time did you give to reading which bit of this web page. After all, you did not have to visit my web site. You chose to do so and doing so may well be described as a safe experiment, even if you did not label it as such. Consider, also, did you skip a section? Did you read the page through it like a book, or dip in and out?  Was there one sentence, or part sentence, that grabbed your attention?  These approaches would each represent a different ‘experimental design’ –  a step on the way to implementing a plan to make a small change in your life.

If you were not aware of this possibility, then let me challenge to make a note of any sentence (or idea) that had impact on you. Making a note is essential; that is the one way to make an experimental ‘result’ manifest:

Observing or just noticing, how you are already reacting to my writing is an experiment in itself.

Even if you are reading the material for the second time, there is still a chance your experience will have been a little bit different. There is a saying that ‘you cannot step into the same river twice‘. Rivers move – imperceptibly – the running water changes it constantly.

EXPERIMENT: Go back, or ahead,  randomly, to some part of the page. Your reactions to it may change. Your feelings about what I have to offer may be different or, maybe, there are sensations in your body that are different. Perhaps you are sick of it or excited by it. I don’t know, but you will; as long as you take time to notice it and record the fact.

The point about the experiment you’ve just done is that it has an outcome. It becomes a safe experiment when you’ve noticed what that outcome is and have learned to live with the result. You’ve created a ‘result’.

Two features of an experiment are:

1. doing something a little bit different; and

2.. noticing the result or outcome.

I’ve repeated this a few times, but it’s something that may be so central that it deserves repetition.

It is easy to think that experimenting is something only scientists do. In a science laboratory, experiments are much more controlled. However, in our real world,  a high level of control is not possible. What is possible, however, is to notice something a little bit different and to learn from it. That is the’ experiment’ and that is the reason for doing it. Experiments can be very ordinary and some can be quite extra-ordinary.

On this web site, safe experimentation helps anyone to become aware of their thinking and actions and to work out how to investigate those experiences differently.

Safe experimentation is:

  • listening as deeply as we can to ourselves and to others.
  • bringing a quality of openness into our lives.
  • introducing some small, different behaviour into our daily action.

… and doing it without choosing sides; not being for or against the results you get!

‘Experimenting’ has become rather trendy in recent years. This arises from growing evidence that our brains are rather more flexible than we once thought. This flexibility is referred to as “neural plasticity”. The practical implications of ‘plasticity’ are becoming increasingly obvious.

Take a look at a book by Leonard Mlodinow’s “Elastic: flexible Thinking in a Constantly Changing World“. He has said “we must welcome experimentation – and be tolerant of failure“. Sounds a bit like me, doesn’t it,  except I am saying that you can, or you cannot, rather than you must!

So there is a problem with this growing interest in living with ‘plasticity’.  It prompts another generation of writers and professionals to find increasingly sophisticated ways to tell you what you should do!! Beware this “mustabation”, as it has been termed; you can do as you are told or you can use any advice, from anywhere, to design your own safe experimenting, and learn to live with the consequences. Your own impulses and intuitions are able to inspire you as much as other people.

The opposite of experimenting is assuming—assuming that we already know how things are. Us humans are good at that. We establish a present normal (see my inverted tree) and work hard to stick to it, not realising that it has become an ‘old normal’. Be prepared to test the obvious; when you do,  your experience may become less obvious.

Like the outcome or not, us Brits voted for Brexit and the Americans tried a large experiment by electing Trump as their President.  I do not recommend you to do the same thing with your own life. Those election outcomes were not small steps! Whether they were  safe has yet to be assessed. Notice how, in 2020, we faced the global crisis of the corona virus. This has forced governments to experiment with unprecedented strategies. Government actions have a large knock-on all of us. It is difficult for governments to devise small and safe experiments. We can do better when the focus is on me. We can be less cautious and still live with the consequences.

Experiments are open trials; they have a quality of quiet and provisional probing.  Think of them as generating a quality of affectionate curiosity in you. It comes out of caring about ourselves and others.

It is not a cold, superficial analysis; it’s affectionate, it’s warm, it’s intimate, and even playful.  It is an investigation into the nature of your life. This quality of investigation is, of course, strong in most children. They are good at not assuming things and they are often more able to let go of a treasured perspective (often through energetic crying in the first instance!).

Each one of us has the ability to observe and that includes observing your emotional experience when experimenting. It is not an easy task to stay with a discomfort until you see it change, but it is possible to learn from it. An important part of any investigation is observing those experiences we find difficult to focus on.

With experiments we are not trying to make anything happen. We are simply open to something happening and remaining vigilant – to notice the result. This includes paying attention to important relationships and the attitudes and preconceptions we hold towards others. In a later experiment, you may notice how our attitudes, and attitudes of those close to us, can prevent us engaging in relationships in an open and direct way.

Consider this challenging assertion: when we think we really know someone, I assert that we are no longer in a relationship with a living, changing being!! Instead we have arrived in a relationship with an idea of that person —- our own idea, at that!  Safe experimenting can bring new energy and joy to relationships when we pay attention, with curiosity, to changes in ourselves and the relationship we are generating together.

The issue, here, is that I sit in my world and, however it looks, I tend to assume it is normal.  This can lead to acceptance  – a reduced ability to question things that are in plain sight. The context in which I operate becomes a ‘given’ – not a suitable case for treatment.

This is not a new idea: the philosopher, Wittgenstein (1953), said:

“The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity. (One is unable to notice something – because it is always before one’s eyes.)…  and this means: we fail to be struck by what, once seen, is most striking and most powerful.” 

When you design and implement a safe experiment, you are disrupting that ‘normal’ by some action. That action will expose the ‘social context’ in which we live to  observation once we ‘just notice’ it. You will be using, in part, a sophisticated research method called Linguistic Ethnography!!

There is no better way to stifle investigation than to become caught up in our fears and anxieties. This can deter us from practising new skills, diluting our courage to take other actions. The aim is to remain open to the experience –  being a little different with ourselves or that other person – just for this moment.

Now I want to continue fitting more experiments into this organised approach using the dimensions of SPACE, TIME, BODY and SPIRIT.  To explore these dimensions, please review the pages of interest to you – as listed on the right.

Each plays a part in determining who we are – the problems that are presented to us, the way we face them, and what milestones we achieve (or not) as we develop and grow.

Please see hyper-linked pages, some listed just three lines up,  to research some of these elements.

Return to:


Designing a safe experiment

Creating a personal history and a Road Map to start an experiment




Are you aware of times, say, in your family or in school, when you seemed to receive ‘guidelines’ as to which feelings are OK and which are not. Families and organisations often have different “feeling rules” and you may have noticed that such rules were conveyed in explicit words or with a simple look or tone.

Re-read some of the records you have made about your own automatic negative thought(s). Some of your thoughts may take the form of images in your mind’s eye, rather than words. Reflecting back, what was the familiar feeling that arises for you as you remember. What do familiar bad feelings tell you about yourself, your present situation and your future prospects?  Are there any clues as to what situations make you anxious, or angry, or whatever.


Once you can identify the meaning, you may be able to challenge the thoughts and feelings. Go back to this diagram:



This graph suggests there are three sets of experiments you may want to develop.

The first involves ‘talk’ and ‘self-talk’. Here, I am back to that internal dialogue I mentioned (self-talk) as well as the actual conversations we have with others (talk). Therapists are often interested in the supports that their clients have – because their network of people to talk to may make a decisive difference in the path to healing.

When you do a body scan and notice any feeling, you can identify a Subjective Unit of Disturbance (SUD)  to measure the level of feeling. Where the SUD is lowish, say, 1-4, it is possible that conversation and inner re-assurance alone will lower that SUD.

In the middle ground, around 4 -7, you may need more active strategies, termed distractions or diversions.

In the higher ground, from 7 upwards, there is but one experimental strategy that will help. It is a strategy,however, that can take many forms.  The ultimate intention, here, is to acknowledge that, by and large,  people do not die from high emotions. This is despite the many sayings that suggest we can, e.g ‘you are killing me‘, ‘I will die of a broken heart‘ or ‘he died of fright‘.

Instead, is it possible ‘to go with the flow’ in the certain knowledge that human beings are hard-wired for our emotions to become more intense and, inevitably, come down again. This is epitomised in the phrase, ‘this cannot last for ever‘. The neural pathways creating the flight, fight and freeze responses are not designed to go on persistently even though there are occasions when those pathways give a good impression that they can!  Of course, you may faint but even that is one way to help the level of emotion to subside.

The problem is that humans can imagine – notice the hashed line in the graphic. We can imagine our SUDs continuing, onward and upwards, relentlessly. It is that imagining that can create much trouble.

Once it is possible to ‘just notice’ the experience we are having, it may be feasible to step back and watch it coming and going. Nothing lasts for ever.

AN ACTUAL EXPERIMENT: cast your mind to a time when you were highly anxious.  How did the incident actually pan out?  Some people tell me it petered out with a whimper, because all the imagined fears came to naught. Other people tell me that they experienced panic symptoms in their bodies. They survived it but became sensitive to the possibility that similar things might happen again.

What happened to you? What conclusion did you draw from the experience? Do you view it differently now, compared to then? Does the diagram offer you some alternative experiment to try out in similar situations?


The diagram above is central to the management of high emotion.Consequently, where this is an issue for you, a whole range of experiments will have to be developed. Create yourself the best ‘toolbox’ you can. Your toolbox will be different from mine; this has to be personal.I can only introduce some typical experiments:


This might seem easy. After all, we talk all the time to other people. However, the initial experiment is to choose some-one and the next step is to chose what to say.

Be careful with your choices; for instance, please avoid your children, if you have any. Even grown-up child might be best avoided lest you ‘put upon them’ and they feel reluctant to say ‘no’. For a start, make sure it IS some-one who can say ‘no’ and that you can respect their choice and go on to do something different.

That said, it does not have to be a big deal. It may be sufficient simply to say ….”can I tell you something that is important to me …..”. Please note that asking for support here is not optional.

With those preliminaries complete, speak slowly and personally, using the first person, “I”, to describe what you are noticing. If the person you are with knows about SUD‘s, you can use them to describe what you feel – the emotion you have now – and the strength of that feeling.

As and when they reply, simply accept whatever you get. If you do not like it, wait until they have finished, and ask to say more. That said, avoid explaining, and re-explaining. At the end of the day, your experience cannot be fully known to any other person. You, in your turn, cannot fully know what prompts another person to reply as they do.

Accept what you are told at face value and focus more on your inner experience. Name, in your head, the feeling you have and apply a SUD to help identify whether the intensity of that feeling goes down, stays the same or increases.

If it persists in going up, then do something different, say, take time out for yourself. If it stays the same, discuss with your partner ways in which you might reduce the level of feeling further. They may be very willing to help you experiment. If it goes down, be curious. What made for that change?

Accept any safe experiments put forward, and notice how, sometimes, you will want to argue about it. Don’t; just listen to them and notice what you are feeling!


Again, this sounds simple. After all, I have already mentioned ‘internal dialogue‘ and the fact that it is with us 24 hours a day.  However, the problem with a lot of self-talk is the quality. Too often it is critical.  Just stop for a moment, and notice your ‘internal dialogue’ as it is running, now. If you have struggled with this part of my blog, what are you saying to yourself?  It could be a rude remark about my writing style but, as often as not, it will be a self-criticism: “why can’t I understand this ... “. It is only too easy to blame ourselves, if not others!

In this typical experiment, however, I want you to notice both the problem you are experiencing, when it rises, and to use language that is more kindly –  about yourself. Typically, this might be “I notice that I am struggling [with whatever it is; naming things is important in such experiments] and I will give myself some more time to consider it further [or re-read something]” .

The key is the use of that first person, I, plus the ‘and‘ – the intention to do something that will help you. Watch out for buts instead of ands. But often heralds an excuse and it won’t help here.

A second issue is to keep it brief and direct: what is the feeling? What can I do about it now?

Other ‘kinder’ internal dialogue might be: “I am feeling [what ever it is is] now, and I am going to respect it.

Here is a sample list of common ‘cognitions’, that is, beliefs about ourselves.  How many negative beliefs, in square brackets, and how many positive beliefs do you subscribe to easily?

I [do not]  deserve love;

I am [not] a good (loving) person.

I am [not] fine as I am.

I am [not] worthy;

I am [not]honourable.

I am [not] loveable.

I am [not] deserving (fine/okay).

I [do not] deserve good things.

I am (can be) healthy.

I am [not] fine (attractive/loveable).

I am [not] intelligent (able to learn).

I am [not] significant (important).

I am [not]  okay just the way I am

I [do not] deserve to live.

I [do not] deserve to be happy.

There is a large number we could develop. Do you have another that makes more sense for you, now? Most of us have a few ‘favourites’ – we might not want them on one level, but they hang around!


What have you done in the past to neutralise unwanted beliefs?

If little specific comes to mind: what antidote might you design now to face up to one or more negative cognition?


Let’s move away from talk and self-talk. There are many diversions and distractions we could use in experiments. The words are not really  so separate one from another so I will use both words inter-changeably..

Controlled breathing can be a diversion.  You notice some discomfort and you start to ‘think-about-breathing’. Instead of doing it on auto-pilot, as is normal, you stop, take a longer, gentle in-breath (not a sharp or deep in-breath, as is often recommended). You take this breath in only through your nose. Use a slow count of three, possibly four, as a guide, but do not let your breathing become laboured. It is not a competition.

Use the same slow count to breath out. Continue this for  around 30 seconds, no more than 45 seconds, and then stop and complete a body scan. This body scan will help you notice what you are experiencing in even more detail. From that information you will design further experiments to become more at peace with yourself.

Another diversion experiment is to do something completely different, as Monty Python used to say. Just as ‘thinking about breathing’ can help, so do other actions. This can include tapping on different parts of your body, as mentioned earlier on. Also, very practical tasks such as getting out a notepad, making notes or a  developing a ‘to do’ list would be practica


Typical distractions can involve using your body. In your mind’s eye it may be possible to create different images. One very important image is the use of the safe place.

The safe place experiment is so important that  I will address it in detail later on. For the moment, just consider whether, in your mind’s eye, you have a safe place to go when the going gets tough. An alternative to a safe place in your head is simply to take time out, that is, remove yourself from the vicinity of the current source of stress.

Another distraction is to use your eyes. If you notice a strong emotion, some people find they can do ‘first aid’ by raising their eyes up, say, toward the ceiling. Do this without straining; a small move up should suffice. At the same time, look to your left and move your eyes slowly to the right. Repeat this back and forth movement of the eyes, still raised, for a short while. Record a SUD of the intensity of any feeling from time to time. Use the body scan to notice discomfort within your body. Devise ways to ‘talk’ to that discomfort differently.

In time, I may well re-record digital records, mp3’s or mp4’s, to help with this part of the experiment.

Experimenting with the Dan Siegel approach to Body Scanning

This American doctor has some very interesting things to say about the process of change. Those wanting to research his work may want to start with:


The reason why I mention his work is that his Wheel of Awareness fits very well into the Body Scanning experiments I have included many times. I cannot reproduce his wheel for copyright reasons, but take a look at it. It may help you devise experiments that lead from the ‘inner’ body scan I have focused on. See if your next experiments can incorporate the ‘Seven Senses’ Dan Siegel describes.

His wheel is helpful in adding a scan of our relationships into the process. This moves us from the internal experience into our much more complex social world.


A typical experiment here is to ensure that the feeling you’ve got is named. Most often, you will find a word that describes an emotion: anxious, angry or puzzled etc. Be aware that this label is something you are applying to a whole load of sensations in various  parts of your body. That is you giving meaning to the otherwise meaningless.

Use the body scan to identify and explore those sensations. Note where they are located: nausea in the stomach, tightness in the chest  or a lump in the throat. Most emotions are accompanied by a number of different sensations in different parts of our body. Look, again, at the diagram above relating to body reactions where several such sensations are listed.

The aim of ‘going with the flow’ is not to do the body scanning, the labelling and the location of sensations but these are helpful preliminaries.

Going with the flow is the seemingly simple act of saying ‘hello’ to what you’ve got. As I have said, nothing lasts for ever and your emotions are not going to kill you. What goes up must come down. These are all everyday sayings that may help you find your way of ‘going with the flow’.

Don’t fight it and you will recover. The key experiments will come after your recovery as you take small steps to generate small victories and become more confident in your ability to build that ‘toolkit’ and manage your emotions just a little bit differently.


By now, you have had an opportunity to do a number of experiments. I’m rather hoping your record shows you’ve designed and implemented a few for yourself.

As I do not want you to lose heart, now seems like a good time to mention what might be done about some complications. There will be things that get in the way of regular, organised and systematic experiments.

Timing: ideally, it is best to record your thoughts and our body experiences as they occur. This is not always possible. It would look odd, for example, if you got your record sheets out in the middle of a party or a  meeting! In this case, make a mental note of what has distressed you, or jot down a reminder on any handy piece of paper. Then set aside time in the evening to make a more organised written record; it can still be brief. Run through an `action replay’, as you record, seeking to recall in as much detail as possible what happened, and notice how you felt and what your thoughts were.

Avoidance: it is very common to put off doing something different. This is particularly so when writing down negative thoughts: beware of making excuses that keep you from focusing on your thoughts and emotions. You may say to yourself, for instance, `I’ll do it later‘, or `It would be better to forget all about it’. You may find that you are very unwilling to look your thoughts in the face. Perhaps you are afraid they will overwhelm you, or you dismiss them as ‘stupid’ and not worth the time of day.

It is quite natural to avoid hurdles and sometimes it even appears to work! Do not let that occasional good fortune be your answer to everything.

If you find yourself making excuses, this is probably because you have hit on something important, so steel yourself to write something it down. Ignoring negative thoughts will not usually make them go away.

Motivation: Paul Grantham has specialised in helping us with our motivation to change. You may find his company has something to offer:


What is helpful about his learning programmes is the range of ideas that inform his work. His guidance is drawn from a number of sources – including Motivational Interviewing (MI), Cognitive Behaviour
Therapy (CBT), Brief Solution Focused Therapy (BSFT) as well as Client
Centred Therapy (CCT) approaches.

Keep in mind that this material, and most other materials, need to be ‘translated’ into your world.

Paul identifies a number of learning principles for change. I have adapted them to the design of  ‘safe experiments’.

  • what are you dissatisfied with something. Knowing this is essential for motivation.
  • being dissatisfied comes either from wanting something you haven’t got, or getting away from something you don’t like.
  • experiments can lead you to attend to something. This amplifies our perception of it. That can be a good thing or a bad thing! Knowing the difference, here, is rather important. Therefore, consider ….
  • what is the significance to you of anything that is being amplified?
  • listen to your own reasons. I need to hear them from my own mouth – not other people!
  • one of the best ways to discover how to use a strategy is to repeat an experiment, wherever you get it from!! Use it for yourself.
  • scale the extent of any feelings or sensations when doing a body scan. This will help identify the degree of personal concern to you.
  • ensure that you see that you are already doing things to deal with an issue; ensure you know what it is you are doing.
  • ask yourself what you are doing in order to build motivation further.
  • identify change you make that lead to solutions that promote great comfort and self-confident.
  • act to emphasise your own autonomy.
  • edit your own language to improve small victories without ignoring the small defeats.
  • what might you do differently in the face of a small defeat?
  • engage with your own agenda – not that impressed on you by others.

… all this may well sound familiar, and I trust it is still worth repeating.


This is not an easy area to work on. Finding some concrete and do-able experiment works against us as our ‘spirit’ is a rather elusive part of our being. For the present purposes, I will focus attention on motivation and direction of our energies. Also, we will visit, briefly,  contemplation as an activity with the potential to lift our attentions above and beyond our bodies and the space and time we currently inhabit alongside other people.

I have had a number of  clients telling me that motivation is a problem. Too  often this manifests in procrastination. The theory, here, is that we delay action when we cannot find the simplest and quickest safe experiment to complete. The task simply looks too large and daunting.

EXPERIMENT: go to your email inbox and work on it, with me, for five minutes. If you do not ‘do’ email then make a ‘to do’ list or examine your current correspondence for around the same amount of time. As you go through the inbox or list, you will note some junk things that do not deserve your attention –  and you will get rid of that without further ado. Emails, like telephone calls, are simply invitations to do something; not obligations to act.

However, there will be some  emails that would benefit from some action. As you arrive at each item in this category, decide whether the appropriate reply, or action, will take longer than two minutes to complete. If it is less than two minutes, just do it. Get shot of it, now.

If it would evidently take longer, then skip over it or allocate it to an action box, if you do that kind of thing. When you review your work after the five minutes is up, your in-box will be emptier. More importantly, several tasks will have been completed quickly.

Consider this: reading those actioned emails may well have taken a minute or two. What is the point of putting them to one side, and coming back to them, when it may take two minutes to read it all again?

if you can sort it in a two minute period, do so. Alter the time gap, as you think fit; I chose two minutes simply as an example. This experiment is known as the ‘one touch rule’. If you can do the task in a short period of time, then touch that task just the once. Do not put it to one side when you will have to return to it another day.

FURTHER EXPERIMENT ON SELF-MOTIVATION: recall a task you have been putting off very recently. On a piece of paper describe it as briefly as you can. Underneath, consider what has stopped you acting on it before now. List those ‘stoppers’, as I call them.

Take any one stopper and look for the smallest, concrete task that would help you overcome the same thinking  it.  see if there are other small steps that might help further. Apply the same thinking to any other stoppers.

When completed, review your list and decide on two or three small tasks that are do-able and a higher priority. Set a time limit within which to complete each of those priorities. At a later date, review again and notice what was achieved and what was further delayed.

Consider what it was that made it easy to complete the finished tasks and what stopped you, again, from finishing a priority task that was of your own design.  Notice whether you are self-critical or what other excuses are made for the inaction.

Consider whether the task could benefit from an even smaller safe experiment. Look for the smallest outcome possible and go on repeating the experiment until you have achieved what you want.

You could, of course, decide it is a junk task and, by all means, give it up if this is so. If you chose this latter option, make a note of any cost to you of implementing that decision.

FURTHER EXPERIMENT: being your own therapist.

Here are a few questions a good experimenter would ask themselves. Sit down and have a conversation with yourself about some tasks you have to undertake very soon. It could be a task to do in the home, at work or even simply  in your head!

¬ How long do you think it will take  …….

¬ What do you predict will happen …..

¬ Can you guess the consequence of …..

¬ What needs to happen  … for that to happen ….

¬ When will you know it’s happened?

¬ What might you do differently as you make it happen ….

What do you need to do to make yourself lucky

That last item may seem like a left-fielder, but do keep in mind that the more you practise, the luckier you are likely to become!


What seems to happen is that when we put together our whole being – the two siblings and every single part of ourselves – human beings experience ‘consciousness’. We can look in a mirror and see ourselves; we can look inward and experience ourselves as some entity. We make meaning about who we are.

With this seemingly unique and rather awesome skills can come problems.

Very few of us will not have experienced something call ‘depression’ at some time in their lives. The term is so vague that it really can be applied to some many common human experiences. These stretch from the inconvenient to the disabling and dangerous.

Let’s look at depression as a example of the SPIRIT faltering. The common symptoms include:
• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

If you go to the doctor and you are offered some medication, then some of the commonly observed side-effects can include:

• Dry mouth _ it is helpful to drink sips of water; chew sugarless gum; clean teeth daily.
• Constipation _ bran cereals, prunes, fruit, and vegetables should be in the diet.
• Bladder problems _ emptying the bladder may be trouble-some, and the urine stream may not be as strong as usual; the doctor should be notified if there is marked difficulty or pain.
• Sexual problems _ sexual functioning may change; if worrisome, it should be discussed with the doctor.
• Blurred vision _ this will pass soon and will not usually necessitate new glasses.
• Dizziness _ rising from the bed or chair slowly is helpful.
• Drowsiness as a daytime problem _ this usually passes soon. A person feeling drowsy or sedated should not drive or operate heavy equipment.
• Headache _ this will usually go away.
• Nausea _ this is also temporary, but even when it occurs, it is transient after each dose.
• Nervousness and insomnia (trouble falling asleep or waking often during the night) _ these may occur during the first few weeks; dosage reductions or time will usually resolve them.

Now the first-aid available from the doctor can be very helpful, particularly if you undertake some self-management strategies


As you have done before: identify and pursue realistic goals. This will help you to assume a  reasonable amount of responsibility for your recovery. Please do not depend on the drugs.

Set some priorities, and do what you can as you can. Where this is a challenge, break large tasks into small ones;

Commit to being with other people and to confide in someone; it is usually better than being alone and secretive. Let your family and friends help by letting them know what you want from them. If you don’t ask, you will not get (although asking does not mean you will get!).

Participate in activities that may make you feel better. This can include mild exercise, e.g. walking part of the way to work, walking up and down stairs, ball games.

Participate in some social activities as well.

Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately. Feeling better takes time.

Postpone important decisions until later. Before making a significant transition- a change jobs, getting married or divorced-discuss it with others who know you well.

People rarely “snap out of” a depression. But they can feel a little better day-by-day.

Remember, positive thinking will replace the negative thinking that is part of the depression and your perception of the small defeats and small victories can shift over time.


This does not happen in a vacuum. It happens as our bodies develop and grow, It happens as we meet and relate to other people. Tricky term, mind, so let’s not get into that too much and, instead, start to consider some tricks our mind can play on us. Take a look at this picture below I used before; it may be familiar to some people:

Illusion Woman.jpg

What’s the first image you get? Whatever it is, there is a second one there. Some people pick up the one, and other people see something quite different.  The point is that our ‘two siblings’ and our internal wiring do not work perfectly together. Not only can we catch diseases, but we create problems for ourselves by jumping to conclusions. We can compound this by sticking with a pattern once we have found it, long after it would be wiser to let it go. That can lead us up a cul-de-sac.  In Transactional Analysis (TA), this life pattern is labelled a Script. A journey we decide to take in our life, as though there were no alternative routes or destinations available to use to follow.

So, looking at the image above is yet another experiment and it can lead to rather different outcomes for different people. If your life depended on getting it right, assuming we knew what ‘right’ was,  then this could prove to be a unsafe experiment!

This is just one of an infinite number of judgements humans make everyday and too often we assume that what we are seeing and hearing is ‘right’. As the years go by, and we get older, those judgements become more complex, based on more information and, only too often, vulnerable to error.

EXPERIMENT: float back in time, maybe helped by your road map developed earlier on in this blog. Find just one occasion when you realised, later on, that you had made a mistake. Choose a mistake that is not too serious, but big enough for you to feel some embarrassment, maybe, and for it to have had an impact on later events.

Note down the incident and the outcome. Note down the ‘cost’ to you of that error. Consider how that mistake came about. If you find it arose from the actions of others, then put it down and find another. Find an error arising from your own actions or beliefs. Locate something that made you inclined to make that error. What was it about you that led you one way, and might have led some-one else to a different result.

As you review your information, consider what you might, now, do differently to avoid a similar result. Can it be worked into a safe experiment?

A general rule that I have observed is that the earlier in our life time that we lead ourselves up the path, the greater the impact of an event.  More recent errors can, sometimes, be put right more easily. There are obvious exceptions to this, especially when we reach a cross-roads in our life,  but the rule is helpful as it explains why therapy, in general, can be so concerned with our early years and the impact of our early relationships with people who cared for us.

It is in the environment of home that we come to know ‘normal’. Of course, often the ‘normal’ that emerges there is far from ‘normal’! For more on this: take a look, again, at:

Infant development

What messages do we absorb during our early and formative years?

Some therapies really focus on this part of our history. It is very difficult to remember the important influences of infancy and to work on them. Long-term therapy exists to help this process. For present purposes, however, I will concentrate on two things that can lead to some useful experiments. These two elements are attachment patterns and script development.

The first comes from the traditional theories of, amongst others,  Sigmund and Anna Freud, Melanie Klein, John Bowlby and Donald Winnicott. There have been modern revisions of their ideas in the work of the Relational thinking of writers such as Petruska Clarkson and Allan Schore.

[work in progress]

Script issues emerge from the work of Eric Berne and other Transactional Analysts. It is a model you can explore in Berne’s original text “Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy” (1961) or Claude Steiner’s “Scripts People Live” (1974).

In short, the Script idea helps us to predict our own behaviour and considering lines to follow when wanting to make changes. Also, it casts light on the life decisions we make and how they came about.  Berne described how Script Analysis can cast light on our internal and private beliefs to generate our perception of ourselves and others.

TA makes much use of diagrams and even if it means little to you at this first read, here is a diagram of

[work in progress]


There is a mass of research material relating to these subjects. The topics take us close to some of the traditional areas of therapy. concerned with our history- indeed, our very early history.

In my tree diagram, at the front of this blog, I have suggested that this data is “for information only”. Here, I will work to demonstrate how insights into our early experiences, as infants, might assist us to make change today and tomorrow.

Health warning: I cannot do justice to this complex topic, so be prepared to make your own enquiries around this subject if you find that it engages you and/or become important. It is in this area that you may find the support of a therapist is essential as we cannot know what our experiences of exploring attachment and bonding might be.

As ever,  I will focus on  the ‘do-able’ things.

EXPERIMENT Return the to Road Map experiment. Expand it by concentrating on your first five years. Where were you born and where did you live? What was your place in the family? Who were your parents, brother, sisters and relatives. Who lived close by and who lived at a distance. Who did you see a lot and who were the distant, if not mysterious relatives?


Draw an ecomap (with thanks to this web site for download able templates) of your wider  family and community:

These examples are designed for social workers and you can see this in the examples I am offering. You may well have a different network to encompass your family, but ensure you cast your net widely.

You can use thick lines to highlight a strong relationship. You can use broken lines to highlight damaged or negative relationships. You can place more ‘distant’ relationships on the outer edges of the ecomap.

…. an alternative approach to describe just your family, and not the wider community, might be:

The top line covers your grandparents’ generation; the middle line, your parents and the bottom line is for you and your brothers and sisters. The sign // refers to a separation or divorce and, of course, you may have to find space for step-parents and step-sisters and brothers. The dates included are dates of birth and dates of death.

This experiment helps you see the larger picture if your early years and it will give you lines for research when you realise what you don’t know about your family. This may include children who did not survive long – this was not so uncommon in generations back.

There is really no limit to the amount of data you might collect. At the end of the day, you will need to reflect on what you have learned about your family, your early years’ experiences and the quality of your relationships with key people – particularly mothers, fathers, care-takers and your siblings (brothers and sisters).

How might this reflection take place?


That smarter and younger sibling can get us into a lot of trouble from time to time. We may think we are sophisticated in our communications. It all sounds so sophisticated – especially if you can do it in several languages! Unfortunately, it is not the words we speak that are really so important. Look at this picture:

Getting it confused

Whose going to tell me you’ve never been there, or something close to it.  A lot of problems arise when our communications are masked and indirect.


Recall a recent misunderstanding with someone.  Take a piece of paper and recall at least some part of what you said and what A N Other said. That’s what is actually said.

Underneath, note your own unspoken idea  behind your own words. Speculate on what A N Other might have been thinking. Underneath that consider your own interpretation of A N Other’s words. Do the same with The Other. This is pure speculation but be open to the almost inevitable fact that they did not interpret your words as you intended them to be.

As you review your material, consider:

  1. How did I mask my own intentions from A N Other?
  2. What would have been the more direct words to use to convey my intention?
  3. How might I have responded differently in order to be sure about the actual intentions of A N Other.

You can undertake this kind of enquiry after your next misunderstanding given that it is only a matter of when this will happen – not if.

Transactional Analysis (TA) is very helpful in taking our understanding of our communications to a deeper level. This is a model using three ideas – The Parent, The Adult and The Child ego states – as sources of very different ways of communicating. The model helps us understand how those communications often get crossed.


Assertiveness training programme can help us improve our own communications and you may well find some suitable via local adult education programmes in your area.

In the meanwhile, practise designing experiments to develop more awareness of what you say, and of how you express yourself. In your conversations, introduce some of the following; not all at the same time. Overdoing it can be counter-productive and rather challenging.

1. Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’, ‘it’ or ‘one’.

When we use the personal pronoun ‘I’, we are acknowledging that the statement is true in our experience and that it may be different for other people.

2. Change verbs. Change “can’t” to “‘won’t” where can’t is not an appropriate restriction.

This change of verb encourages us to take responsibility and to be aware of what we can and cannot realistically do. Also,it says we can make a positive choice when deciding to do, or not do, something.

3. Change ‘need’ to ‘want’ and differentiate between need and want.

This change of verb encourages us to be realistic and responsible about our own needs and wants and to be clear about the difference between the two.

4.Change ‘have to’ into ‘choose to’ and ‘should’ into ‘could’.

These changes acknowledge that we make choices all the time and we are responsible for them.

5. Change ‘know’ into ‘imagine’ in case your ‘fact’ turns out to be a fantasy.

Often we will state that we know something about another person when it is based on fantasy. It is helpful to differentiate between what is known, imagined, felt and thought in order to make clear and unmasked statements.

6. Change passive into active

We can place ourselves into a passive role when talking of things that are happening to us. . For example; ‘I allow people to take advantage of me andI  often feel angry’, is different from: ‘Things keep happening to me that make me feel angry’. The latter statement appears to blame other people or events for how I feel.

7. Changing questions into statements.

Questions can be useful. They stimulate thought and discussion. Other times, questions –  such as ‘don’t you think….’ –  are often indirect ways of stating ‘what I think….’.  If you have something to say, say it and work with the consequences.

8. Take one issue at a time.

Avoid confusing an issue with a load of others. Notice how, in arguments, often the past is used to identify a number of example to illustrate a point. Using the past can lead to distortion and manipulation since the other person is likely to have forgotten or to remember it very differently. Concentrate on specifying the experience you are having NOW.

9. Ensure that you understand each other.

If you are unclear and confused about the issue, summarise or paraphrase what you think you are hearing. For example,  ‘So what you’re saying is…., is that right?’

10. Without being over-effusive, can you appreciate the other person?  It costs little to acknowledge and appreciate them, especially if you can briefly describe to them what was said that has helped you.

These are just some elements to work on. There can consult whole books and web sites on this subject.

The problem with my experiments thus far is that the focus on words can prove misleading. What we DO, rather than what we say so often speaks volumes.

EXPERIMENT: putting feelings second. That seems an unusual for a therapist to say! However, it can be a different step to take. Have you noticed how talking about feelings can add to some rows, e.g. “I don’t care how you feel” or “and what about my feelings” etc.

Try this ‘feeling-fact’ experiment instead. It requires you to respond quickly to some miscommunication by describing the actual behaviour that is troublesome, rather than the feeling it generates in you.

Thus, “I’m fed up with your nagging”  becomes “when you tell me to sort out this bill several times, I feel inadequate”. It is vital that the words describing the feeling are spoken in a neutral tone. There may be some feeling leaking through, but it is important that the other person hears about the troubling behaviour first and then hears your present feeling as an account of your experience, not a complaint.

What is said first needs to be heard and too often our feelings eclipse the stated change we are seeking to make.

This is more difficult to do than it appears as it goes against the grain. Most of want to say how we feel and most of us are reluctant to be specific about the actual behaviour that is troubling us. I will say more about this under the terms direct and unmasked communication as we go along.


1. Eye contact: how I look at some-one can convey how I feel about them and what they are saying. It is a powerful self assertion to look someone directly in the eye – not wise with bank robbers. Often we will give away our power by looking away. When we look directly at the other party, we communicate that we are alert. That said, too much gaze and eye contact can say other things – it can be challenging and over-intimate. The Other may feel embarrassed by it.

2. Posture: how we stand and sit communicates how we feel about ourselves and what we are saying.  In my village, I have been described as ‘laid back’ and that has arisen, for the greater part, from my tendency to slide down in chairs with legs outstretched.

So, you will have noticed that too much of something has one set of consequences, and too little results in something quite different. Where will you place the balance?

3. Stepping back: often heated arguments bring people closer together in a confrontation. In practice, it helps to step away, even if only a little bit. This reduces the risk of physical confrontation and, psychologically, it can help us keep a clear picture of the person and yourself separate from the issue.

4. Listen to other: most of us like to be heard. Our own ego can too often stop us listening and giving time to another.  Problems arise when we feel impatient and speak over another person. More importantly few people can keep up a flow of words forever, so your time will arrive to speak and you now have lot’s of time to think of the words that will help the most. More importantly, again, that moment will arrive when the other has given off steam and is less likely to be emotionally aroused. Use the SUDs experiments to monitor how emotional levels change as people talk.

Please note, this is not always true and different steps may be needed to protect or care for yourself.

5.  Choosing your time and place. There may never be the best time to complete some important communication, but how you go about it is helped or hindered by the place and  the time chosen to do it. Is there a neutral or more comfortable time and place to do what you want to do? In particular, consider how much time you want to spend on it; open-ended, is not always a good idea!  Consider this: when the phone rings, it is only an invitation to talk. You can decide how much time to give to a call and it can help others to know what that time limit is.

TRAUMA: this response is a special case of internal mis-communication.It is then aided and abetted by some of our external communication. The  ‘two siblings’ and the interconnected set of brain structures lying deep within the brain can initiate mis-communication. Experiencing any shock and sudden discontinuity can do this, e.g. being hit, being involved in a bank raid or caught by a blast from a bomb.

It is vital, as a first principle, to accept that the ‘miscommunication’ may be a nuisance, but the ‘two siblings’ do not realise this. They are reacting to events that feel real and their reactions are intended to help and protect the body-mind. Unfortunately, in the 21st century world our reactions do not always return us to a sense of well-being. Bear in mind that the principal task of the brain is to make meaning and to mediate between our internal and external worlds; a divide that only too easily becomes out of kilter.  Remember the visual illusions used earlier on.

One feature, not the only feature,  of a trauma response is the intrusion or flashback; the ability to relive an experience as though it is happening now, in real time. There are two very different forms of this response/

Intrusive memories are vivid pictures, smells, sounds that are experienced as being very real, although the individual remains aware that they are actually recollections. of a traumatic event. Intrusive memories can often produce intense physical sensations and it is very common for people to try and block these memories out or push them away when they occur.

During a flashback, some aspect of a traumatic event is experienced as if it were happening all over again. One might re-experience sights, sounds, the presence of others, smells or things touching you. Any sensory information registered in the memory may be replayed vividly. Reactions like these tend to make people feel like they are ‘losing their minds’, or that their minds are playing tricks on them: they know logically the event can’t be happening again, yet it seems to be so. Flashbacks can be terrifying because of their unpredictability.

Both intrusive memories and flashbacks can be triggered by very subtle reminders in the everyday environment, such as a brief sound, a smell, or just a feeling. Both intrusive memories or flashbacks can make you feel very much out of control, especially because they seem to come totally out of the blue. They can elicit such strong physical reactions.

Some revision before any EXPERIMENT

If you are aware of any trauma response, see that you are properly supported before learning to manage it. A number of resources are needed to address this feature. That said, be confident that you can work at your own pace and don’t push yourself too hard.

Recall what I have said about feelings of discomfort and remember my re-assurance that such feelings are neither usually harmful or dangerous, even though this may not feel  right at the time.

The aim of change here is for you is to find a workable place for those experiences and to regain some control over them. Trauma management can include these basic experiments before anything more sophisticated is tried.

For instance, use the anxiety model to explore and understand what is happening.

Also, revisit the arousal curve model to inform and plan interventions.


Safe experiments are not easy. When you are working for yourself there are fewer complications as you set your own rules and stand by the results in your own unique fashion.

At this point, I am going to introduce the complication that arise when you ask some-one else to join you or, at the very least, to help you out.

In my experience, one of the problems that most couples will meet at some time is the loss of common purpose. What are we doing together, and what are we setting out to achieve and why bother. When we set out, mother nature has her own way of over-riding these questions with the permitted temporary psychosis called ‘falling in love’.

In time, her impulses or drives lessen. The smarter and younger sibling has a task on hand at that point as two of them have to reach some other kind of understanding about what tomorrow will bring.


Take a look at this work-sheet. If your partner is willing, each take a copy to a corner and complete it privately. DO NOT consult on it or work on it together at this time.

Use bullet-points to record your position within this current relationship. Reflect on:

What do you expect, yourself, to bring to it?

What do you expect, of your partner (other), in your relationship?

What do you believe your partner expect of you?

What do you expect of the relationship itself?


After an agreed amount of time, come together and review the results for an agreed period of time. Do not require yourselves to ‘sort it’ there and then. Come back to it, if necessary.

Work out a running order so there is sharing of  the information, bit by bit, and one at a time. Agree that one person will not take too much of the time available yet find ways to avoid interrupting your partner and/or being offended by any particular piece of information.

Include a second experiment by using all those communications skills listed above.

I predict you will surprise yourself and your partner some where along the way.  The experiment is likely to provide much material for future experiments.

Be careful with one another.

Recently, Autumn 2018, an interesting phenomenon came up a few times, after a period of rest.

That phenomenon, from the school of transaction analysis, goes by the forbidding name of a “competitive symbiosis”. It is a feature that lies behind a number of conflicts between two or more people.  If you are not already familiar with transactional analysis (TA), take some time to research ‘Ego States’ as the competition is between individuals fighting for one ego state over another. Often a conflict between Parent and Child Ego States, the important behaviour is the ‘flip flop’ operating between one person and another.

One comes on ‘Parent’ and the other fights to regain that same ground. Initially there may be a Child response – such as petulance – only to followed by patronising put-downs. The other may respond in Child as well, but only en route to further Parent-oriented control actions.

For example, person one complains about the ironing being incomplete and person two responds with a stamp of the foot followed by a number of recriminations listing person one’s short-coming.


Review the ‘interrupt’ strategies recounted elsewhere. Can you negotiate a neutral word that will permit the two of you to stop for a moment, just a brief moment, in order to complete a Body Scan that may identify the FEELING behind the words. We can only identify our own feelings – others cannot do this for us. SO – notice the inconsistency when I say -in the example above, the feelings may include neglect for person one and feelings of resentment for person two.

With that in mind, I thought it might help to put an entire process of relaxation together in one place. There are many others to choose from and I’d recommend attendance at a Yoga or mindfulness class as a reasonable experiment. There should be one near you!

In the meanwhile consider this: when you have found a place and time to relax, have regard to:

POSTURE: this should be upright, looking straight ahead, hands on knees or upper leg, with feet firmly on the floor.

BREATHING: with mouth closed and breathing in only through the nose (this regulates the volume of air you will take in). Change your count to observe the impact of it, but start with the same count for both in-breaths and out-breaths. When you investigate this further, you will find different breathing patterns to follow. These are all experiments to try.

BODY SCAN: attend to the thoughts, feelings and sensations in your  body starting with your feet. Allow your attention to move up one lower leg and then the other. Continue this ‘scan’ with your upper legs and  posterior region  Move slowly and methodically to your stomach and lower back, continuing up into the rib cage and lower neck. Finish by scanning your neck and head until you reach the tallest hair on your head. As you do all this, be attentive to any experience in your body. When you notice something that makes you curious, attend to it and develop an experiment to explore it. Allow any tension from that spot to ease as you let it go on each out-breath. You can complete the body scan when you have given attention to each and every tension in your body and reached the very top of your head.

FOCUS: if you still have your eyes open, you can focus your attention on a fixed object in your upper vision and just to one side. If you have closed your eyes, focus on each and every disturbance of thought feeling and sensation. Repeat the body scan, if it helps. From time to time, ‘just notice’ your experience and let it pass. Sometimes it may help to simply say ‘hello’ to an experience and ask it to pass.

ATTENTION: continue to use your breathing to attention to any unwanted tension in your muscles or body. Use internal dialogue to acknowledge some disturbances or use other self-talk or diversionary strategies, as you wish. In time these strategies may become  surplus to requirement.

EYES: if your eyes remain open, they are likely to feel tired. This may become more so as you play with any images around the fixed object. Allow your eyes to close in your own time. Meditate on any image created within your ‘inner eye’.

This process can continue for a few minutes or for parts of an hour, as you wish, or as time allows.


This movement is a current favourite in therapy circles as it combines some of the benefits of structured cognitive behavioural, Western psychology with the Eastern traditions of meditation and contemplation.

As this approach encourages a lot of experimenting, and places emphasis on ‘just noticing’ already mentioned a few times by me, you may want to do some of your own research. Take a look at:

NHS and Mindfulness

I’d encourage any reader to consider attending a Mindfulness course in their home area. For further information, you could visit the Centre for Mindfulness Research and Practice (CMRP), at Bangor University.

Bangor University

For the present, it may help to include my observations on Mindfulness.

  • It will offer you an effective way to manage the thoughts, feelings and sensations in your body. It will help you develop an an ability to observe the detail of internal experiences. One aim of mindfulness is to strengthen that `observing’ function by promoting an experience of ‘being in the here and now’ as well as an acceptance of `what is’.
  • Mindfulness helps you to be aware of what is happening in the present, on a moment by moment basis. It helps us to become aware of our bodies and minds and the world about us, whilst not making judgments about the things we find.
  • Mindfulness accepts that feelings and high emotions are real and need to be respected – but the perceived threat or danger is often not real.
  • Mindfulness practice is a form of self-awareness training similar to meditation but not dependent on any belief or ideology. It is proven to benefit a wide range of people and health conditions.
  • When our minds are constantly occupied we feel disconnected from ourselves and our immediate environment which blocks our attempts to alleviate our distress. Being aware in the present allows us to disengage the automatic pilot and respond to life’s challenges with a clear mind. It makes it possible for us to respond rather than react to situations.
  • When we observe our symptoms closely we find that it is often not the `monster’ that it first appeared to be. It has many different forms and shapes, and is liable to change when observed. The attitude of mindfulness is to be curious about our experiences and not judge them.


….. in progress

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)


Therapists and teachers know from their experience that the process of learning and change does not proceed in a straight line – onwards and upwards. There is a point in much therapy when some-one will give up. The challenges feel too much. Maybe the experience is disillusioning.  Experience suggests that this withdrawal can be close to a useful point of change – a kind of feeling of ‘cold feet’ which might warn you off doing anything more.

Now, the theme of my blog is that you choose the direction and pace of your own change so you can stop and start as you wish. Even so, this ‘health warning’ may stop you sabotaging the work you have already undertaken.

Take a look at this cartoon:

Up and down of change

Please note: the term ‘incompetent’ is not intended to be an insult. It simply saying all of us, including me, do not know some important things or possess some valuable skills. We are unaware of them; we are unconsciously incompetent. The cartoon suggests we can go through life happily if we are blissfully unaware of the learning we need to do. Obstacles to learning make things sticky when the going gets tough.

Before we can learn, it is necessary to become very aware of what we do not know (consciously incompetent). This is the discomfort that will arise when any safe experiment feels like it went wrong. The intention is that practise and persistence will lead us to become consciously competent. We will feel better at that time, if still a little unsure; do you remember my example of learning to ride a bike?

When that sense of uncertainty eases, we will become unconciously competent and be ready to press on to new horizons once again.

I emphasise this phenomenon as it tells us that the pathway to understanding and improvement follows a scenic route. We need to take this into account when planning our own learning and designing the next round of experiments.

This pathway is well illustrated in the next graphic. In theory, progress could be from top left to bottom right – from things we know to things we do not know.  However, learning often requires the stimulus of others around us, so the pathway can move freely from box one, into box two or three, and back again, if necessary. Arriving at insights into the unknowns of box four can be long and convoluted.Johari

I hope these diagrams will provide some encouragement to you as you finish this blog. It is highlighting the very personal and unique experience of learning as we move along the pathway between birth and death. It is intended to help you design those steps in a spirit of realism and with enough energy to make it all happen.

Here is some advice: I want there to be a little advice in my Blog, but some of it seems unavoidable, especially when I am so insistent on some action. I will include advice when it is based on the consistent experience of others who have learned the hard way!

ADVICE: Beware making a large moves after a major event such as a trauma, bereavement or other major loss. Such events tend blow your current time structure out of the water. Sometimes this is unavoidable, say, after a death or divorce. Even so, the advice is to minimise large moves and really consider the question: ‘is my journey really necessary?’.

It is always possible to make that same, big move a little bit later, but only after careful thought and discussion.


Some of these experiments may well lead you towards some therapy shared with a professional. There are some experiments you can undertake even before that – or to help you reflect more on the idea.  Here are some questions to consider; I’d suggest you makes some notes about.

What do you want from therapy?

When you ask that question of yourself do a body scan and ask: what do you experience (in your body, mind, brain)?

What, in particular, do you notice first?

What steps have you taken, already, to deal with any problems arising?

What prevents you, now, from dealing with your present difficulties?

When do those obstacles arise?

What would you want from therapy – the longer term ambition?

What would be your more detailed objectives for completing some therapy? This will include identifying some of the behaviour you want to change.

In what situations am I most vulnerable to ‘getting it wrong’, as you see it?

How come do I seem to continue to ‘get it wrong’? Write down the costs and benefits arising from what you do. Be prepared to be surprised as it is rather too easy to continue with the unhelpful but familiar and rather more difficult to step into the unfamiliar.

How will you know when you have reached one or more detailed objective?

What would you need to do to sustain things when you’ve reached an objective?

What might prompt you to backslide after you have achieved something worthwhile?


If you go into therapy, bear in mind that even the most conscientious client is not likely to spend more than 30-40 hours a year working on their issues (there are models encouraging even more sessions, but …..).  There are 8760 hours in a non-leap year. That means over 200 hours are spent in your every-day world for every hour you spend in therapy. More problematically, you will not spend your life-time in therapy so you do the math on that!

Conclusion? Therapy needs to be but a preparation for savouring our everyday world. Experiences shows therapy can become a substitute for some people and this is not always helpful. Outside therapy, there are unlimited minutes to spend on practising conscious changes, and noting outcomes, thus increasing the prospect of a result. Consider this graphic:

A life time of change


I have suggested that therapy has the potential to be unhelpful. I suspect the same must be true for the experimental approach I have described. A fellow blogger, Karuna, pointed out just one such limitation with a poster, as follows:

Please Listen to Me

“When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do, just hear me. Advice is cheap.  I can do for myself I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you”.

I’ll make one addition to this; if we want others to listen, how good are we at listening to ourselves?

That said, if this blog has disregarded your feelings, then I’d ask you to say so and to identify what more I need to do differently ………


This blog has focused on the experiments each of can do. The truth is there are larger issues that  may be beyond experiment. Sometimes only whole communities can experiment and it would appear t hat 2016 was a year when both the UK and the US embarked on such an enterprise. Sometimes we need to step back and look at the large picture.

Throughout this blog, to this point, I have not mentioned one factor that undermines the effectiveness of experimenting, and and our ability to build up a series of small victories. This factor goes by the name –  structural inequality. That is, each person does not have equal access to resources to solve their problems. Those resources are not always personal – motivation, resilience, desire or sheer ability. Too often there is too little money to get by and a large minority of others who hang on to wealth not available to most people.


More the concern of sociology, you might say, structural inequalities are differences created by forces outside an individual’s control. On occasions, I have hinted at the large influence our environment can have on the way our life evolves. Even so, most of this blog has focused on what you might do to make a small difference in your life. The theory is that a string of small differences will nudge you towards success. A series of nudges will help you feel more at ease and help you to perform better in your home, work and community.

The reality is that our lives continue to be shaped by forces larger than ourselves; the education system and the capitalist employment culture in which the UK is immersed. Even our communities, often with benign intention, ‘ask’ us to behave in certain ways as we talk to neighbours, visit the shops and play our part in some local social event.

This may sound gloomy; how can ‘small victories’ compete with the daily oppression that is imposed on the individual by these larger factors?

All is not lost, as it is possible to look these features in the eye and, like facing down the big bully, we might call its bluff. Occasionally, we can get hurt by it but our integrity can still feel intact.

How might this be done?

  • by remaining realistic about what is ‘do-able’ and respecting small changes and having the wisdom to know when larger actions are needed by more people working together
  • by remaining alert to the cunning and subtle ways in which our understanding of ‘normal’ stops us noticing those small differences and allowing for the possibility of something different.
  • by knowing when the ‘current normal’ needs to move to a ‘new normal’ and being willing to play our own part in making it so.
  • by knowing that it is rather difficult to know the nature of the ‘real’ world. Some modesty in this matter may make it easier to understand the very different view of the next person.


All models have a bias. Some of them are made more obvious than others. Here is one way of viewing them. Notice there is a YOU and THEM dimension intended to demonstrate how therapy can be pre-occupied with you and your experiences, or it can help see you in relationship with others. The INNER and OUTER dimension addresses the tendency of some models to focus on our internal experience and a fewer give attention to ourselves in our environment and community.

models (2)

Proponents of different models will look aghast at this table. In some ways, they are right to do so, as it presents an over-simplification of some complex and valuable insights offered by psychological models, old and new.

I am still including the table here as it may help you with experimental designs. Note how some of the suggestions I make ask you to focus on your inner experience (the body scan) and others advise attention to you communications with others (assertive communications) or even your larger community (The Road Map).

The radical element in my blog, as I see it, relates to the idea that any effective experiments have to operate in your ‘real world’. It provides a warning that many therapies, and a lot of therapists, under-play the social setting in which you have to operate. Modern ‘mass’ therapies, particularly those offered by the NHS and Employee Assistance programmes (EAPs), have opened the world of therapy to many more people, but you may find their programmes have an implicit message about you fitting in (to your work place or a medicalised environment running on increasingly tight budgets). I should emphasis that there are many therapists who will not implicitly encourage you simply to ‘fit in’ but the higher management of mass programmes do find it difficult to really focus on changes you might need to make when that might be inconvenient to their wider world.

For instance, the Government’s recently privatised Behaviour Insights Unit exists to devise nudges to help you help the government achieve governmental goals – reduced costs and greater efficiency. There is NOT a great concern for the way any costs fall on you and your family. They use their psychology to attain mass goals; your outcomes might need to be very different.

Also, bear in mind that the table helps emphasise that doing work in a laboratory is not often so helpful. Note, therefore, that you can do experiments in a therapy room but, even then, the results have to be re-tested in your everyday world.See my LIMITATIONS OF THERAPY commentary.

Slow and steady changes need to be tested and re-tested in the ‘untidiness’ that comes when you live with others. The process may be helped by researching information into the full range of models offering insight into ourselves, our bodies, our sensations, our behaviour, our relationships, our ways of communicating and belonging – all shaping our place in the world

Can you use ‘safe experiments’ to help others?

The general answer here is ‘no’. Experiments can only give you insights into your own life. You cannot know how they will impact on another person. Too often we over-estimate our ability to ‘help’ other people. In my work, I  often invite people to try safe experiments but I can never make some-one take up the invitation. Also, there is the ever-present risk that our safe experiments, when involving others, do so in a manipulative and indirect fashion.

In my work it is unacceptable to do that and I’d prefer you to follow that ideal as well.

That said, I am aware all this can sound very ‘cold’ and anti-social. Most of us want to help others. Also, there are times when others need us.  One such time is after some-one near to us suffers a loss. This might include an accident, a family bereavement, a divorce or a loss of home or employment.

In these situations, it is possible for experiments in listening to help. For instance, an awful lot is known about the likely responses an individual will make in the face of a loss. It is predictable because known neural responses are made by our bodies, almost entirely on auto-pilot. However, the range of reactions can still vary a great deal. There is nothing more infuriating that tell some-one how they will be. Research only tells us what thousands of people have done, not what you will do. Avoid the temptation to state the obvious (“time is a great healer” may be true, but it’s still not helpful!).

Talk and practise, instead, the art of just noticing and listening:

Things to watch out for – without needing to comment on them, include:

  • feelings of horror and anxiety;
  • emotional numbness and a sense of disconnection on the other;
  • forgetfulness; finding it difficult to remember significant parts of what happened.
  • recurring memories or feel as if they are re experiencing the event through painful flashbacks.
  • Emotional reactions such as shock, fear, grief, anger, resentment, guilt, shame, helplessness, hopelessness, emotional numbness.
  • Difficulty feeling or expressing love and intimacy or taking interest and pleasure in day to day activities.
  • Cognitive reactions such as confused, disorientated, and indecisive thinking.
  • Shortened attention span, difficulty concentrating, memory loss, unwanted memories and self blame.
  • Hyper-arousal or over-alertness accompanied by panic attacks, rage, extreme irritability, intense agitation, exaggerated startle response.
  • Severe anxiety creating paralysing worry, extreme helplessness, compulsions or obsessions.
  • Depression typified by loss of energy, interest, self worth, or motivation.
  • Anniversary reactions when any of these experiences return, or get worse, around the anniversary of the event.
  • Physical reactions such as bodily tensions, fatigue, edginess, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, aches or pain, being startled easily, racing heartbeat, nausea, change in appetite, change in sex drive.
  • Interpersonal reactions: distrust; irritability; conflict; withdrawal; isolation; feeling rejected or abandoned; being distant, judgmental, or over controlling in friendships, marriages, family, or other relationships.

Grief symptoms may include strong feelings of yearning or longing for the loved one and feeling empty or like a part of the survivor has died.

People often speak of a generalized pain or heaviness in their chest, feeling depressed and hopeless about the future, and having things that were once important not seem to matter so much any more. They may cry easily, lose interest in eating, or experience stomach upset, headaches, and feelings of restlessness.

Please bear in mind that lack of support from family and friends, and the presence of other serious problems, such as major health problems, may extend the recovery time. That said, people who suffer loss are known to withdraw from social contact sometimes. This is unfortunate, because it cuts them off from interactions with you that could be healing. Wondering if you have done something wrong should not be taken too far and be prepared to go on listening or attending.

The immune system and the cardiovascular system may be affected by grief, so it is important for survivors to eat well and to stay in contact with their family doctor. Any chronic health problems should be monitored. Survivors are prone to other sorts of mishaps, such as automobile accidents, because they are often preoccupied by their grief. It may be unwise to make major decisions during the first several months after a loss since they may bring on additional stress.

Grieving is a difficult process because it involves remembering what happened. These memories may be so upsetting that it is almost more than the survivor can bear. This can manifest in a number of avoidance responses and it is important to learn strategies to manage that and to calm themselves down. These might include such things as taking a walk, taking a warm bath, exercising or watching a film.


This is a relatively recent addition to that long list of models I talked about. Even so, it is an approach that offers us even more experiments and challenges. It is a behavioural approach to therapy using the Mindfulness approach mentioned before.

It is an approach that can help us to increase flexibility in our thoughts, feelings and actions.  In particular, it emphasises experiments around distancing ourselves, or stepping back. The intention of the experiment is to help us see a larger picture and, if necessary, to ensure we win the war, not just every battle.

As Wikipedia says: the objective is not the elimination of difficult feelings but getting to know unpleasant feelings. I have raised this possibility before in those experiments designed to recognise unpleasant feelings rather that acting upon them.

Experiments can help us do less avoidance and even initiate a positive spiral where feeling better leads to more confident acceptance of the changes we can make.

Some regular themes

My otherwise convenient ‘boxes’ of SPACE, TIME, PLACE and SPIRIT do not help me address the full range of issues I have shared with clients over the years.

Therefore, I will end with some common themes and the experiments others have developed to address them. there is no particular order to these themes, at this stage.


All addictions offer another area where the support of others, as much as experimentation, can make all the difference to your personal intention to change. Support can come from many directions, including specialist and voluntary services such as Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous.

An unwillingness to seek help and support can, itself, provide evidence of an addiction being a problem. Why? Because shame and pride are two emotions known to sustain addictive behaviour. The very thought of sharing our concerns about our addictive behaviour with others is well able to trigger those emotions. Experimenting on your own is, in this case,not always the effective strategy.


What can be done on your own here is to keep a drink diary. Fact-finding, as I have already asserted, is a key first step to designing an experiment. Fact-finding can help bring home the nature of the issues you are facing.

Note this diary is not simply concerned with the volume of your drinking; it will help establish the pattern of drinking – not only what you drink, but when, with whom and where. By now it will not surprise you to know that mood and emotion can play a large part in initiating and sustaining any addiction.

Complete this diary for at least seven days before looking for patterns that make sense to you. Notice, for example, if you have any alcohol-free days. If there are none, then one experiment would be to observe your reactions, in some detail, when you determine to do a little something different and go without for 24 hours.

Drink Diary (4).jpg


OTHERS, such as Internet use and sexx


Procrastination appears to arise from the fact that our time on this earth is time-limited. Some of us find it easy to fit things into our allotted ‘slot’ and others struggle.  For the latter group, life becomes a race against time but time doesn’t have to be your enemy.

Using the Transactional Analytic model (TA) or any other ego state model, it is evident that different ‘parts’ of ourselves struggle and pull our available energy in different direc­tions. This tendency generates confusion and ambivalence – in two minds about something. That inner conflict can create the behaviour we call procrastina­tion.

The overall aim of any experiment to manage procrastination is to bring about some harmony between the conflicting inner forces. Experiments will focus on listening attentively to  your different ego states. In time, experiments will enable us to meet different needs without neglecting one or more ego state. Experiments will help you develop the ability to be act like a diplomat and to run your own life in a balanced way..

There are a number of ‘Stoppers’ that your experiments will have to address:

* the existing thought, possibly now well established, that you are a procras­tinator. This needs to be replaced with observation that that you sometimes use procrastination as a  behaviour to cope with an aspect of your past or current way of life. You are not procrastination-personified

  • the tendency, over the years, to become more disciplined, to try harder, get organized. This sounds good, doesn’t it! However, such get-tough schemes can cause a backlash over time. This will dry-up your motivation and, possibly, in time, create burn-out.. We can lose the will to go on.
  • a personality driven by a ‘Be Perfect driver‘. Second best and good enough no longer work for you. If your results aren’t per­fect, you will withhold any effort in the future to hide your imperfect self.


Most of the experiments that will help will take care over the language you use – either in your head, or in conversation with other people. Such key differences include:

* replacing “feeling obliged” or “must do”, with choosing to do.

  • replacing “when I’m done” with “I will start with”.
  • big ideas replaced by smaller but do-able actions. This means working safely, not over-reaching yourself.
  • replacing perfect with “good enough”
  • replace “living to work” with “I work to live”. This involved committing yourself to a better quality of life, not mere existence.

Any of the breathing exercises can help manage procrastination; when it comes to body scanning, look out for the negative thoughts. In particular, listen out for those thoughts about not wasting your time meditating and relaxing!! Edit those thoughts and change the language. Look out for the Core Belief that the thought are supporting, e.g. Work Hard To Live or Life is not for Enjoyment etc. consider what alternatives are available to you, even though you may not believe them.

Compare the alternative beliefs available and consider which one might be most helpful to you. What actions will be required to make an alternative belief work.

EXPERIMENT: exploring some common beliefs

Often it is difficult to separate out our beliefs from things we accept as ‘fact’ or simple ways-of-the-world. Looking at some extreme beliefs may help make the distinction:

On a scale of 1 – 7, how much do you believe the following statements (where 1=hardly at all, and 7=absolutely).

I can be liked or accepted by every important person in my life.

I can be successful and competent in everything I do.

It’s bad when things are not the way I would like them to be.

Unhappiness arises when things are beyond our control.

Now, all these items are beliefs. Each one allows us to say ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to varying degrees. Some folk reckon that beliefs can only come true if you stick with a score of 7!

Beliefs raise more questions, than answers. What do we mean by ‘accepted’, ‘successful’ or happy’. A dozen people in one room, might well come up with more than a dozen answers to the question.

By contrast, if I say that I did a certain things, on a certain day, at a certain time, in the presence of certain people, then the statement can be verified or contradicted. This does not mean that everyone will affirm every detail; police studies regularly demonstrate that witnesses vary considerably from one another when trying to describe an event.  However,  for practical purposes, enough affirming evidence can be gleaned by a systematic recording of events.

That’s one reason why I have encouraged the regular practise of systematic recording of your safe experiments.

Through these experiments it may be easier to use the time available to you to your advantage, with time no longer working against you.


Most experiments I have offered really focus on the individual and I have identified some complications that arise when experiments move beyond the individual – toward the community.

Another ‘special case’ that cannot be over-looked are couples.

AN EXPERIMENT for couples

Complete the work-sheet below without consulting one another.

TOP LEFT include your expectations of yourself in the relationship. What do you think you are bringing to it. This may, or may not, accord with what your partner includes in their top right box – that’s why I do not want you to consult one with another!

TOP RIGHT include what YOU expect of your partner – in your relationship. This may, or may not, accord with the items your partner puts in their top left box!

BOTTOM LEFT speculate on what your partner wants from you within the relationship. This is least likely to match their top right box!

BOTTOM RIGHT when you think about yourselves as a couple – what do expect to achieve together. This may prove to be the most useful box to address in any later joint work. This box will create a focus for generating some common purpose – without which many relationships founder.

Expectations1.jpgWhen you have given time to looking at the result on your own, agree on a sensible amount of time to talk together. This may be difficult to arrange as you will be tired if it is late in the evening and unhelpful if either of you have been drinking.

Make sure you have an agreement on how to behave towards one another, e.g. no talking over one another; listening attentively, and without criticism, to what is said; focusing on your emotional reaction to what is said – when it is time to comment – without turning it back on to your partner etc.

Here, we are touching the tip of the iceberg. Specialist help from therapists with additional training may be necessary so you can stand back and notice how you work as part of a couple.  ‘Additional training’ is often referred to as ‘Systemic’ training although voluntary sector Organisations such as Relate offer a well-respected training to its counsellors.


My apologies to all and anyone for any failure to attribute ownership of an idea in this blog. This applies, in particular, to any diagrams that have been designed by other people. All my learning material has been gathered over several decades and the origins of some of it are lost in time.  Help me put that right by drawing my attention to an independent source for any of them.

I have not include routine references, just the occasional hyper-link. I have added additional pages and some posts to address some relevant piece of research.

You, too, can make your own on-line inquiries if you want to deepen your research and to investigate a ‘nudge’ in more detail. The page on:


should be worth visiting now as it is intended to help you go on designing your own safe experiments into the future.

Return to:

Welcome to Find Your Nudge

Preparing to design safe experiments

How to do safe experiments for yourself