Queries and Advice

Thanks for the query

This is a page with a different slant on designing and implementing small, safe experiments.

There are times when I cannot speak directly to a reader or member of the public. On this page I can respond to questiond that arise.

Health warning: my comments here are for specific individuals. They will know who they are. What I say may not be relevant to other readers. Indeed, my comment may not be helpful to the intended reader, as I rarely have the full facts.

It’s just my best shot or effort and it can be put to one side, if needs be!

So here goes: TOPIC: strategies to help me with a friend who is dependent on me.

The dilemma here, as I see it, is that there is only so much time and energy we have available for all the things we need to do during the day, and for all the people we know. It’s easier to want to change that, than to make it so.

That said, I do see a few lines of experimentation that connect one with another:

Assessing your own needs and priorities: https://your-nudge.com/using-the-inverted-tree-and-body-scanning/ What are your priorities and options?

It’s difficult to make changes without knowing what the choices are in front of us. Often we do things we find are uncomfortable, and that, alone, does not promote change.

Communicating those needs and priorities to others by, for instance: Fogging and assertiveness. I do have a specific suggestion that might be relevant. ” I’m please you’ve found the courage to seek professional help. Now I need to take time for myself.”

“This is what I need to do [specify a couple of things] and I’d like it if you could help me see it happens”

Shift the words and sentiments about as suits but please keep the first person, present tense feature.

Step back to see the wood for the trees. Focus on yourself and the way you want to spend your time in an average day or week: this is the tricky bit as it sounds like a good idea, but rather selfish. Part of you may resist wanting to be different in this way. Most of us want to be wanted and most of us want to help. I can’t speak for all psychologists, but ……

Even so, there are different forms of ‘help’ and its worth asking: who AM I doing this ‘helping’ for? Is it more for me, than for them.


… where I say: If you follow Socrates, then taking unthinking advice on small, safe experiments, might be be counter-productive.

I trust this advice is clear and I can imagine it sounds rather harsh. I suspect you will not be used to stepping away from others – maybe more used to stepping toward. Even so, explore possibilities and make sure your own needs ARE known to important others.

Good friends know how to respect you; if they do not, then maybe they are not such good friends.

I trust this leads to some acheivable safe experimenting.

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