Boundary making

When small, safe experiments are being designed, it can help to be aware of the notion of ‘boundaries’.

Boundaries appear to be important in families and relationships. The material on attachment and early years trauma suggests that things can go wrong when parents struggle to be parents and children struggle to be children.

What do I mean by this? The material on ecograms can help here. When drawing a family diagram, the aim is not to produce a photograph; instead, what is wanted is a map that shows emotional bonds and the strength of those bonds.

The sad truth is that the bond between a parent and child can be overwhelming; Transactional Analysis (TA) refers to this as an over-occluded relationship.  For example, where sexual abuse arises between parent and child, there is grossly excessive ‘occlusion’. One individual fails to demonstrate where they stand in relation to the other.  As children are not able to make judgements and take responsibility for such actions, then the adult has to hold the line and act responsibily to protect the child. That’s the rule most communities live by.

Instead, where there is excessive closeness, even without the extremes of criminal behaviour, relationships between parent and child can be confused and negative. Again, the parent(s) are required to take notice of this and to act differently.

For information, there is a useful YouTube video on the topic of making ecograms at:

https://youtu.be/bdlunUM3Rdc

Note the way of designating a relationship that is strained by separation, divorce and even death. You can develop your own style of drawing, say, with dashed lines to indicate strained relationships and making ‘distant’ relationship more afar on the paper.

Wikipedia suggests you place yourself at the centre of the page. Immediate family can be placed in the centre of the circle with suitable family connections drawn.  Beyond that, you can draw connections to and from the people that play a role in your life; say, at work, in the neighbourhood or in the wider family. These connections can be connected by lines that are:

  • Thicker (darker) lines mean stronger relationship.
  • Curvy, dashed or red lines mean that the system is a stressful relationship.
  • Arrows pointing to the you, from other people, where the other person is an important ‘influence’ in your life.
  • Arrows pointing to other people, from you. This means you are a primary influence on them. An obvious example, here,  would be parent-to-child.
  • Arrows pointing both direction depicts a two-directional flow of influence as may apply in a healthy marriage.

In an Ecogram these relationships can look like:

heritage example

You’ll find that therapists are attentive to these boundaries, as described by their clients.

From my point of view, the ‘picture’ identifies where small, safe experiments might be focused, .e.g. on the way I communicate with my daughter, or in making decisions after a death or separation within the family. For instance, look at “Michael” in Anna Maria’s heritage map. What is the likely impact on Anna Maria, and several other people, should “Michael” die?

Bear in mind that the existence of negative relationships are just as likely to create considerable disturbance; we do not often simply give a sigh of relief.

Up to now (2020) , I’ve said little on this topic;  this is odd, as it is such an important feature when changes are in the air. On reflection – perhaps not so odd – as I am writing in ‘lockdown’ at a time when our government has decided on setting some tight boundaries for its citizens; and then loosening them, then tightening them and then moving them around the country!! If you were a therapist, what might you say to Boris Johnson and his committee of Wise Persons (that’s SAGE, to you)!?

Did this unpredicability arise in your family, and what was the result of it?

Anyway, here are a few more comments.

Much therapy is about how to manage a response to disrupted relationships – can they be repaired, adapted and/or accepted?  Very few individuals are going to live long in this world without a disrupted relationship.  Therefore, the issue is not if this work has to be done – but when it will be needed.

True, many people work through these disruptions without professional support, but the opportunity for something to go awry increases as the years go along.  An example of the process that can arise when relationships are seriously disrupted can be found at:

Space and Time changes after death and separation

 

Return to:

Welcome

What is a nudge?

How to design a safe experiment

Actions in safe experiments